Updated: Jan 30, 2021
Motherhood is not easy, I give you that. Nothing quite prepares you for the real thing, the sleepless nights, colic, the breastfeeding that doesn't always come all easy and natural as I was told, and all the endless worries that come with a baby.
Given that I had some experience in looking after young children I thought this would be an easy job for me but I admit the first few weeks were tough. I felt like part of me had gone and that I would never have time for myself and for what I loved to do. Felt isolated. Missed my independence. Missed my routine! Right from day one I was all alone in the house with a newborn, stuck on the sofa and breastfeeding.
The day she first smiled to me was like sunshine on my street. It felt like she was giving something back to mama for all that 24/7 care and love she was getting. Also getting out of the house and going to baby groups completely changed my attitude and lifted my spirit. I met great mums that I’m still in touch with and found lots of advice and support on breastfeeding, baby colic, and baby weaning and so on. I felt connected and confident and my baby thrived! We played, we sang, we read books, enjoyed outdoors, swimming and holidays.
And then, when my little one turned one depression happened. And that hit me very hard. I didn't know postnatal depression can come so late after giving birth but looking back I think the signs were there from the beginning. Since I had my baby I became very anxious about my health, I was obsessed that I might have some serious illness and leave my baby without a mother as it happened to me when I was little. I was constantly in some kind of pain and become very panicky not knowing that my anxiety was actually causing all these symptoms. I was tearful most of the time and felt exhausted and overwhelmed by simple tasks. I couldn't focus on anything and felt very guilty about it.
I lost my appetite and felt sad and anxious most of the time, I particularly worried about being on my own with my daughter and felt like I wasn't enjoying her anymore. I worried about her moving away from me as she’s becoming more independent. I worried about what the future would bring and that I would never feel the same again. I worried.
Recovery was long and with the right support and treatment I managed to find myself and bond with my daughter again. I also found a new hobby that helped me relax and stay focused, I feel hopeful
I hope my story will bring some hope to other mums who are going through difficult time, it gets better promise